Midlife Crisis? Nope. Midlife Opportunity.

Women Finding Community and Themselves

My strong, beautiful, wonderful grandmother. Though gone, she remains in my heart, continuing to inspire me to truly be myself.

Ever since I started reading Anne Boyd Rioux’s wonderful newsletter, Audacious Women, Creative Lives, I’ve been thoroughly enjoying interacting with other women in the comments section of each post. Anne’s words resonate strongly with many of us, whether she’s discussing little-known women writers or telling us how she left her marriage and her job to embark on a new life traveling in Europe. I think it is the latter which speaks to women in particular, especially those of us who have reached midlife and desperately want the second half of our lives to be radically different than the first.

I’ve recorded some of my journey in previous posts, especially this one, but I want to dig a little deeper.

There’s a shift happening in our society, and I am here for it. Women are beginning to realize they don’t need children and a husband to live a happy, fulfilling life. My daughter is one of those women. She’s 24 and fully embraces who she is: a strong, independent young woman who doesn’t need a man to be happy, who has dreams and ambitions beyond marriage and family (in fact, I don’t know if she wants either), and who is passionate about her interests and hobbies.

When I was 24, I was married and pregnant with her. As a Gen Xer, I was raised to believe my life would go like this: after high school, I’d go to college, meet my future husband, get married, have children, try to have some type of career, and put my children and my husband first and myself last.

And that’s exactly what I did. That’s what millions of us did.

Now? Many of us are divorced or in unhappy relationships, our children raised, and we’re asking ourselves the question: What do I want?

After so many years of putting ourselves last, this question isn’t easy to answer. We are so trained to be unselfish in our lives that even now, after our children are raised, or we’re no longer in a partnership, we still can’t fully be selfish. Let’s take a minute and think about that word. Why is it so awful for us to make ourselves the number one priority? After all, before every flight, the airline hosts tell us that in case of a loss of cabin pressure, we are to put our own oxygen masks on first before we try to help others. If our own gas tanks are empty, we can’t fill the tanks of our friends and family, right?

Clearly, I’m not advocating for all of us to become straight up narcissists who stop caring about people and only think about our needs; rather, I’m advocating for us to start believing our needs matter, that they are important, that putting ourselves first is absolutely crucial to our mental and physical health.

But how?

Find Your Tribe

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that women are much better than men when it comes to community. We band together in a way men don’t, and that is one of our strengths. Whether it’s gathering around a mother and her newborn baby, or helping a battered wife escape an abusive relationship, we know how to support each other.

So, to help navigate this new time in our lives - middle-age, searching for a new life - find other women going through the same thing. You’ll find many of us in the comments section of Anne’s posts. I’ve loved reading other women’s journeys, and so many of us have the same worries and fears about finding our way in this second part of our lives. Knowing you’re not alone in this quagmire of feelings and emotions is critical to navigating your journey. Women who are further along on this path provide resources, advice, commiseration, and best of all, encouragement because let’s face it: this road is not for the faint of heart.

That’s the first suggestion: find your tribe.

The second?

Find Yourself

This, my dear readers, is arguably much harder. We are many parts. Mothers. Partners. Wives. Friends. Lovers. Sisters. Aunts. Grandmothers. But who are you as a woman? As a human being?

This may require you to dig deep, to remember those lazy summer days of your childhood when you lay on a blanket under the shade of a chokecherry tree and dreamt of all those wonderful things you were going to do when you grew up. Be a teacher or a writer or a veterinarian or an attorney. Travel to India or Australia or the UK. Open a dog sanctuary or invent a cure for cancer or dig for dinosaur bones. Remember the possibilities? Remember the surge of excitement you felt?

Time to rediscover it. Sit down with your journal and remember. Remember who you were in those early days, before society and obligations and responsibilities and life wore you down, molded you and shaped you and changed you in ways you didn’t want to change. Dig deep. Find that little girl. Ask her what she wants to do with the rest of her life.

This isn’t a one-day process. It can be days, weeks, months, years. But you must begin.

And the third step?

Find Your Way

Start mapping out your dreams and goals. How can you make them a reality? What steps do you need to take? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, start with one tiny, baby step. Maybe it’s as simple as making the decision to finally start doing what you want to do. Write it down. Print it out on a piece of paper and tape it to your mirror so you can see it when you wake up in the morning.

You can’t create this new life if you stay stagnant. You need to take action. And yes, action can be as simple as making the decision to create a new life. Feeling stuck? Unsure? Terrified? All completely normal and part of the process. Again, find your community. There are so many strong, independent, and incredible women who’ve changed their lives that we can turn to for inspiration and help. Read their books and posts on Substack and other places. Listen to their ideas and suggestions.

Most importantly? Believe it is possible. Because it is.

This post is dedicated to my beloved grandmother, Lucille Stricker Amateis, an incredible woman who loved me unconditionally and encouraged me to be strong, resilient, and independent.